a disturbance in the force

Note: if you are especially sensitive to cursing or are a particularly nice person who really loves kids, don't read this post.

I was at the park today and I ran into one of my friends. She was carrying her otherwise active 14 month old around. She said "I am having to carry him today and it is hard for him because he wants to play, but there is this kid with a remote control car and Levi really wants to play with it, but the kid is being kind of mean...." As she said this I sensed a great disturbance in the force--it was as if thousands of one year olds had a toy snatched from their hands simultaneously and were screaming in agonized protest--I looked up and there he was. Turd kid. I told my friend, "yeah, that is turd kid. He likes to pick on one year olds. I hate him. And his mom is my mom nemesis." (keep in mind that all of the moms I know are super nice and no one ever talks ugly about another mom here in Stepford so this was a radical statement, but this is turd kid we are talking about and I don't give a shit when it comes to this kid--see? I just said shit.) Then she said "yeah, well his grandma is no gem either, she just let him be mean to Levi, everyone knows that when you bring a toy to the park, it is community property." Figures. Figures that turd kid has a turdy grandma.

Then he looked our way. And I stared him down. And my look said "don't f___ with me kid. I am operating on no sleep, and if you think, ""oh this is the flimsy-flabby new aged love and logic aughts, where kids don't get spanked, so I am protected from this bitch."" Think again. I will spank, and if you screw with my kid, or any other kid, I'll spank your little ass."

Then he gave me a look and it said "try it bitch, I'll scream and you'll get arrested, and I can cry real hard and look real hurt and be real cute if I need to be."

Stalemate. But in a few years, I will be a state's witness at his sentencing hearing.

superman and lex luthor at the spark park

He was there tonight. I saw him eyeing me suspiciously. I kept my cool and after a few minutes he came up to me. Hyphen and my idiot dog were with me tonight, not exactly back up, but witnesses nevertheless. This was our tense exchange.

Turd-kid: "I got a new bike."

Me: "really? well fancy that, a new bike-- how nice for you."

Turd-kid: "she can't get on it, it's too big." (seriously, this kid said this, what is with him???? Why must he torment me??? and just to make sure he was talking about Annabelle I replied....)

Me: "who?"

Turd-kid: "your baby girl." (oh snap, you did not say that!!!)

Me: "well, it's big, but if she likes it, she will find a way to get on."

Turd-kid: "why does she like my stuff?"

Me: "I really don't know."

We left it at that and he ran off to play. Hyphen was standing next to me. "That was him," I told Hyphen, "that was my nemesis. Look at him. He's staring at me. He knows it. He knows we are enemies" Hyphen gave me a weird look and walked away. That was okay. I still had Bella, my best friend, my trusty companion--she can at least intimidate him by licking the little turd or wagging her tail at him.

Oh, and Annabelle totally tried to get on his bike.

Park Politics

I have a friend who thinks that everyone has one work nemesis. Well, I have three stay-at-home mom nemesises. Now, I know what you are thinking, technically you can only have one nemesis, if you have more than one, you probably just have mere enemies, but I am a big enough bad ass that I have three nemesises, or is it nemesi???? Also, one of them is only 4. But he is a real turd of a kid, which is an unkind way to describe a 4 year old , but like my sister has so eloquently put it "sometimes kids are turds."

I have debated about being really descriptive about them in my blog, because what if I am being harsh and judgmental and they or I were just having bad days? What if we later become friends and my blog gets this super huge following and then they know I initially did not like them? But after today, I feel the need to expound on them. Also, in my experience I have never befriended one of my prior work nemesises/ nemesi and my sister assures me I don't have to worry about a super-huge fan base, so here it goes.....

One, I have mentioned before, the one who gives her kid cheeto puffs as a snack. Annoying, loud mouth, over -disiplines (yells at kid all the time), cheeto-puffs-- the whole package. I instantly disliked her.

The other day I met the 4 year old and his mom who are a tag team nemesis. I was at the park and the 4 year old brought some kind of bike contraption that you could pedal or be pushed on. He left it on the park sidewalk and was playing when Curious Annabelle happened upon it. Now, at the Spark Park in Garden Oaks, most toys that kids bring are shared. In fact most toys are brought to the park with the specific intent that other children play on them. So Annabelle is getting on this contraption when the kid, who is on top of the jungle gym sees her and comes running from afar to stop her.

Turd-kid: "hey that's mine."

Me: "it is yours and it is really nice and the baby thinks it's neat. She likes big kid toys because she thinks big kids are cool. She's just a baby, she's not a big kid like you and she can't really ride it because she is too little."

Turd-kid: "Tell her to get off. It's mine."

Now, at this point I was expecting a little back up from his mom who was standing right there. Most moms in the situation would say something like "no, no, little Turdy, we share, you are going to share with the baby. That is a good boy." But she stood there and did nothing. So at this point, I busted out with my best imitation of a Toni Stevens guilt trip and said:

Me: "get off that bike baby Annabelle, that big boy doesn't want to share with you. He wants to play with his toy because it is his and he plays with it all of the time so it is special to him and you can't play with it. I hope you can understand."

Later me and all of the cool moms were chatting when the Turd-kid's mom came to join us. We found out that she thinks the local schools, including my church school. are crap, that she is from South America and was building a big beautiful house (read:ugly Mcmansion made out of brown brick that eats up the entire lot and totally doesn't fit in my 1940s neighborhood) in the neighborhood and was in medical school. Now, my stay-at-home mom friends are very nice people so they just nodded politely about the school comments and told her that her house was nice. I was thinking "why don't you just move to West-U or Bellaire and leave us the hell alone?"

Shortly after this conversation I was sitting on the slide, minding my own business, and turd-kid approached me and said:

Turd-kid: "are you leaving soon?"

Me: "I don't know, maybe, do you want me to leave?"

Turd-kid: "yes, are you leaving soon? I am going to live over there."

Me: "yes, I know, your sweet mommy was telling me and I am going to leave when I am good and ready."

Why do I tell you all of this? Well, gentle reader, I was at the park today and Cheeto-Puff and Turd kid and his mom were there. And as it turns out Cheeto-Puff and Turd -kid's mom are friends. Totally. Makes complete sense. Turd kid sees me, remembers me, and continues to antagonize me:

Turd-kid: "hey, I didn't bring my bike today. I brought cookies. Three kinds, pink, white and chocolate. Is that wagon yours?"

Me: "that's cool, I like cookies. This wagon belongs to *!? (cheeto-puff) Annabelle is just playing on it."

He later came by to show me his pink cookie. It looked good, but I didn't dare ask for one, since he is one of my nemesises/nemesi and I am pretty sure that sharing cookies with one's nemesis is not in the nemesis play book. And he doesn't share anyways. They were those pink wafer kind of cookies. They have them at Fiesta. I can get some later.