brush those teeth

I have been in San Antonio these last few days visisting everyone and I finally got to meet my mom's oncologist, who was younger and cuter than his pictures on the South Texas Onconolgy Website show him to be. I also got to meet her drug study nurse (my mom is being super cool and donating her body to science--while she is alive!!!). Annabelle got completely shy when introduced to Dr. Smith and he understood why immediately. "She is probably not to keen on doctors," he observed, "let me try to find cookie or a piece of candy or something." I surreptitiously handed him the emergency lollipop I keep in my purse for just such occasions. He gave it to her and left to go do doctor stuff. So we were left with the study nurse and Annabelle relaxed and was her normal chatty self. Then we went into the waiting room and as we were walking out Annabelle said "Nice doctor?" Which I think translates into "that was a nice doctor and he didn't stick stuff in my ears and I still got a lollipop--who knew???"

I left to go to Houston and then my parents had to meet with the nurse again. When they did, she told them that Annabelle seemed advanced for her age.

Obviously she wasn't at the house earlier in the day.

I was trying to get her ready to go meet the oncologist and she really didn't want to change out of her play clothes. I had managed to get her top off when she tried to stall by saying "pee-pee, potty?" So I took her. When Annabelle pees, she cannot have her pants on, so I took them off. She didn't pee, of course. Then she wanted to wash her hands with the "baby soap" (little soaps my sister made 7 years ago that my mom still uses--waste not, want not). Then she wanted to brush her teeth with a toothbrush Hyphen left at my parents' house. I knew he would be super-keen on that and I knew that would occupy her for a while, so I let her. She was standing on a terry cloth covered vanity bench my mom has in the guest bathroom. I proceeded to finish my makeup and pack and make the bed. While I was fluffing the pillows the mom-ping went off in my head. The mom-ping is the silent noise every mom hears when her kids are up to no good. I went in the bathroom to check on her and she was still brushing her teeth but there were two, man-sized pieces of poop on my mom's terry cloth bench. The third piece was still emerging. I burst into laughter, did a super quick cost-benefit-analysis and ran to get my mom because I knew the consternation this would cause her would make the inevitable tongue lashing I would receive on my bad parenting habits totally worth it.

I rushed to my parents room and then opened their closed bathroom door.

Guess who else likes to brush their teeth buck-ass nekkid?

That's right, my dad.

The sight of his rear-end didn't even phase me as I was on a mission to hear my mom speak Spanish in exasperated tones.

Me: "Sorry dad, mom come quick and see what Annabelle is doing."

My mom runs out, expecting something cute, and then: "Ay dios mio, Annabelle!!!! What are you doing? Stella???? Do you theenk thees is funny? Cabrona. Where is her diaper? Why is she naked? Ay chihuahua. Why didn't you clean this??? Ay, Annabelle don't move...." Etc. etc. etc.

Of course I am laughing hysterically and Annabelle just looks perplexed.

When the fallout was over, I saw my dad and said "Hey sweet cheeks."

Dad: "you are the one who is going to have to live with that image, not me."

When we were kids, Audrey used to answer the phone and say "Looney bin" instead of "Stevens residence." It was so good to be home.