My kids love to hear stories about when I was a kid, and they especially like to hear stories about their crazy aunt, or "auntie," as they refer to her. So a while back I told them about the time when auntie had really stinky feet and when she was mad at us, would torture us by taking off her shoes and letting the smell permeate our air space.
Never tell a story like this to a kid who doesn't forget stuff...,,
Fast forward to this year, when it rained and rained and Annabelle, for reasons only she knows, decided to walk in every rain puddle there ever was in her nice school shoes, the ones she wears every day, without socks.
Then, fast forward a little more to this week. I am in the car and I smell something dreadful.
"Something in here smells like death," I say, more to myself than to anyone else.
Tallulah, who is looking at a book replies, without looking up, " it's Annabelle's feet."
" oh my god! Annabelle! Do something about that!"
" Ok!" She snorts and then squeals with laughter as she sticks her feet as close to my face as possible.
The smell could gag a maggot, seriously. And I am dying from the odor and about to pee in my pants because Audrey did this same thing to my mom, this same exact thing, almost 30 years ago and that memory and my current situation are making me laugh hysterically.
It's the circle of life, well, at least in our crazy family.
However, as beautiful as the circle is, I think I will refrain from telling her about the butt juice story.....
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Why I haven't felt like blogging
So I write all the time in my head, but by the end of the day, I am simply too tired to write anything down, and lately I have this writer's block because something horrible that happened in our family.
You see, for two glorious weeks, we had kittens. And they were adorable and we all loved them, even Hyphen. They liked to climb up his pants when he cooked and it cracked him up.
But the dog didn't. She was banished to life outside, because they were simply too small to be around her. Plus the day we brought them home, she pointed at them, like they were a duck. The damn dog has never been on a hunt and can lie outside surrounded by squirrels and birds and not flick a whisker. But she points at our tiny kittens
I think you know where this is headed.
Tallulah loved them the most. Everyday she would put on pants, so their tiny claws wouldn't hurt her legs and hold them for hours. She loved to watch tom and jerry with them. "Look at me, mama! I'm covered in cats! "
Then one awful day, one terrible awful day, we rode our bikes to school. And when we went to pick up Annabelle we rode our bikes again. And, as is my habit when I ride bikes, I left the back door unlocked. And our dog, who is so dumb that if you threw a blanket in her head would just live with it on her head, opened the back door, because when she really wants to, she can open the back door, despite her immense stupidity. And she found the kittens who were cuddled on the couch together and she killed them.
I fucking hate that dog for that.
We discovered that the dog wasn't in the yard and the girls were panicked, like she got out of the yard, and then we went inside to get the leash to look for her and she came to us, and then we went running to find the kittens and they were dead.
I screamed that I hated the dog and that was the last day we would have her, which upset the girls. Annabelle said "you mean after all that, we have to lose the dog too?" H blamed me, and I blamed me, but truthfully it was a horrible accident and another truth--it was bound to happen. The damn dog was used to having her run of the house, and she couldn't understand why she was outside all the time. We had been trying to introduce them gradually but she would just shake uncontrollably whenever she saw them. Damn dog.
We told the girls she was just playing too rough with them. Maybe. For the next few days, she was searching all over the house. Sniffing everywhere, in places she doesn't normally go (because she is a moron and is afraid of certain parts of the house) high and low, looking for something. I think it was the kittens. Maybe she wanted to play with them, or just eat them. Who knows.
What kills me is that a day hasn't passed where Tallulah hasn't said "I miss the kittens." She says it when Annabelle isn't around because Annabelle has made it very clear that she never wants to think about it again. Tallulah contents herself with a stuffed kitten that she holds and pets when she watches tom and jerry. And, because she has this enormous capacity to love, she still loves on the dog every day. Every single day. She lies on her, she shares her food with her, she strokes her ears. She talks to her, she fusses at her. She loves her.
The dog is getting positively fat from all the Halloween candy Tallulah is sneaking to her. Like I don't know.... ( no more okay? Okay, dog? Shhh, she's coming. Last piece, okay? )
Last night she was a little sick. She threw up and was just poorly today. Probably too much candy. Today was the first day I petted her since the incident. Because I really don't like her. Now, though, I don't know how my poor baby will take it on the sad, sad, day when she dies.
The only reason she is still here is because they love her so much. And she has a keen awareness of their whereabouts at all times. When they are in the front yard, she barks hysterically. When there is a thunderstorm, she runs to find them, and if it is at night she whines until I let her into their room where she will sleep between their beds.
Labs live 10 to 12 years. We are on year 11. During this time she has been a pest. From the first day we had her and she pooped in her own kennel 5 minutes after H let her out. She never let snowball, our old dog, now gone on to the other side, get any attention. She is a pig. A chicken killer, a cat killer. She wakes up every morning at 4:45on the dot and whines to get out and then 20 minutes later barks to come in. That's 4:45 in the a.m. And let's not forget when Tallulah was 6 months old and couldn't sleep through the night and Annabelle was also waking up every night because she had peed all over the bed or thrown up (allergies which make her cough until she vomits) and it felt like I was up at all hours and the dog decided that she too would get in on the act and need to go out at 1 in the morning. Let's not forget that glorious period that lasted until Tallulah started sleeping through the night, three months later.
The hamburger buns that H got from central market special for our party? Gobbled up before the party started. Right off the kitchen table. Bag included. Annabelle's heart candy necklace. Eaten in one bite. Countless sippy cups destroyed. She ate part of my sister's diaper bag. And just this weekend she got into my purse, scattering its contents all over the place, munching on tampons and lipsticks. I wish I were making this crap up....
We are on year 11. She gets up slowly now to amble over to her dog bed. She prefers to sleep on my Ethan Allen sofa. I remember what my neighbor said when Annabelle was first born and she was temporarily banished to the outside and wouldn't stop barking. I told him my mom wanted me to drop the dog off on I10. Perra afrentosa, she calls her. "610 is closer," he said without batting an eye.
And I am so sad about the cats. I really loved them. I forgot what it feels like to really love an animal. The joy they bring. It's a joy, not a burden.
Really, though, to remember, I need look no further than the living room carpet while we watch our tv show. There is the dog, cuddled up to Tallulah. Two peas in a furry flea pod. Tallulah loves her. She really loves her.
And that love is the only reason why she is still here.
You see, for two glorious weeks, we had kittens. And they were adorable and we all loved them, even Hyphen. They liked to climb up his pants when he cooked and it cracked him up.
But the dog didn't. She was banished to life outside, because they were simply too small to be around her. Plus the day we brought them home, she pointed at them, like they were a duck. The damn dog has never been on a hunt and can lie outside surrounded by squirrels and birds and not flick a whisker. But she points at our tiny kittens
I think you know where this is headed.
Tallulah loved them the most. Everyday she would put on pants, so their tiny claws wouldn't hurt her legs and hold them for hours. She loved to watch tom and jerry with them. "Look at me, mama! I'm covered in cats! "
Then one awful day, one terrible awful day, we rode our bikes to school. And when we went to pick up Annabelle we rode our bikes again. And, as is my habit when I ride bikes, I left the back door unlocked. And our dog, who is so dumb that if you threw a blanket in her head would just live with it on her head, opened the back door, because when she really wants to, she can open the back door, despite her immense stupidity. And she found the kittens who were cuddled on the couch together and she killed them.
I fucking hate that dog for that.
We discovered that the dog wasn't in the yard and the girls were panicked, like she got out of the yard, and then we went inside to get the leash to look for her and she came to us, and then we went running to find the kittens and they were dead.
I screamed that I hated the dog and that was the last day we would have her, which upset the girls. Annabelle said "you mean after all that, we have to lose the dog too?" H blamed me, and I blamed me, but truthfully it was a horrible accident and another truth--it was bound to happen. The damn dog was used to having her run of the house, and she couldn't understand why she was outside all the time. We had been trying to introduce them gradually but she would just shake uncontrollably whenever she saw them. Damn dog.
We told the girls she was just playing too rough with them. Maybe. For the next few days, she was searching all over the house. Sniffing everywhere, in places she doesn't normally go (because she is a moron and is afraid of certain parts of the house) high and low, looking for something. I think it was the kittens. Maybe she wanted to play with them, or just eat them. Who knows.
What kills me is that a day hasn't passed where Tallulah hasn't said "I miss the kittens." She says it when Annabelle isn't around because Annabelle has made it very clear that she never wants to think about it again. Tallulah contents herself with a stuffed kitten that she holds and pets when she watches tom and jerry. And, because she has this enormous capacity to love, she still loves on the dog every day. Every single day. She lies on her, she shares her food with her, she strokes her ears. She talks to her, she fusses at her. She loves her.
The dog is getting positively fat from all the Halloween candy Tallulah is sneaking to her. Like I don't know.... ( no more okay? Okay, dog? Shhh, she's coming. Last piece, okay? )
Last night she was a little sick. She threw up and was just poorly today. Probably too much candy. Today was the first day I petted her since the incident. Because I really don't like her. Now, though, I don't know how my poor baby will take it on the sad, sad, day when she dies.
The only reason she is still here is because they love her so much. And she has a keen awareness of their whereabouts at all times. When they are in the front yard, she barks hysterically. When there is a thunderstorm, she runs to find them, and if it is at night she whines until I let her into their room where she will sleep between their beds.
Labs live 10 to 12 years. We are on year 11. During this time she has been a pest. From the first day we had her and she pooped in her own kennel 5 minutes after H let her out. She never let snowball, our old dog, now gone on to the other side, get any attention. She is a pig. A chicken killer, a cat killer. She wakes up every morning at 4:45on the dot and whines to get out and then 20 minutes later barks to come in. That's 4:45 in the a.m. And let's not forget when Tallulah was 6 months old and couldn't sleep through the night and Annabelle was also waking up every night because she had peed all over the bed or thrown up (allergies which make her cough until she vomits) and it felt like I was up at all hours and the dog decided that she too would get in on the act and need to go out at 1 in the morning. Let's not forget that glorious period that lasted until Tallulah started sleeping through the night, three months later.
The hamburger buns that H got from central market special for our party? Gobbled up before the party started. Right off the kitchen table. Bag included. Annabelle's heart candy necklace. Eaten in one bite. Countless sippy cups destroyed. She ate part of my sister's diaper bag. And just this weekend she got into my purse, scattering its contents all over the place, munching on tampons and lipsticks. I wish I were making this crap up....
We are on year 11. She gets up slowly now to amble over to her dog bed. She prefers to sleep on my Ethan Allen sofa. I remember what my neighbor said when Annabelle was first born and she was temporarily banished to the outside and wouldn't stop barking. I told him my mom wanted me to drop the dog off on I10. Perra afrentosa, she calls her. "610 is closer," he said without batting an eye.
And I am so sad about the cats. I really loved them. I forgot what it feels like to really love an animal. The joy they bring. It's a joy, not a burden.
Really, though, to remember, I need look no further than the living room carpet while we watch our tv show. There is the dog, cuddled up to Tallulah. Two peas in a furry flea pod. Tallulah loves her. She really loves her.
And that love is the only reason why she is still here.
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