Q:what is the difference between my house and the zoo?

Overheard at my house today:

My mom and the dog
on the dog front, my mom hates my dog, and is completely annoyed when she is inside.

a. "ay, this dog is no good, where's the broom?"

b. "Annabelle, stop giving Bella your food."

c. "princess, snowball, tu-- Bella, go away you stupid dog. leave me alone."

d. "ay, dog, don't lick her, it's a miracle she doesn't have microbios."

e. "go a-way dog, you are not part of our fun."

Hyphen and my mom

Hyphen and my mom always have an interesting repartee. Hyphen won't let me boss him around, but my mom is another story. They love to tease each other:

a. mom: "see H---, that's what you have to look forward to (gesturing to the prostate commercial), going and going and going.."

hyphen: "I would just strap on a diaper"

b. hyphen (eating a bowl of shrimp heads): "would you like a shrimp head?"

mom(disgusted): "No. What's the matter with you?"

c. Hyphen(politely asking, anticipating the answer to be no): "I am going to Kroger, do you need anything?"

mom: "yes, a cinnamon roll. But not from Kroger's, from Shipley's. Not a cinnamon roll, a bear claw. Not a bear claw a an apple fritter."

Hyphen: "what if they don't have an apple fritter?"

Mom: "then don't come back."

Meanwhile, Annabelle and Hyphen, or should I say Clouseau and Cato, where running around the house hiding and then scaring each other. Even Granny got in the act, telling Annabelle where he was hiding. The three of them were screaming with laughter. The dog didn't enjoy this one bit and came over to my seat and tried to hide from the hiding.

A: at the zoo the animals are in cages.

can anyone tell me what channel the Closer and NCIS are on, in other words, my mom is here

So I am taking the family law boot camp tomorrow and some other seminar about child abuse on Wednesday. And my mom came to help out with Annabelle. My mom drove here by herself, which she has only done one other time. Usually she comes with my dad and complains the entire time about what a bad driver he is. Today, she called from the car and told me she could only stop at rest stops and not at restaurants because while she was on the road, she noticed that the seam on her pants was coming loose and that her butt was dangerously close to being exposed. She didn't feel she was decent enough to get out of the car. When she got here, I assessed the situation and didn't think it was that bad, I mean, she could have gone to the Whataburger in Columbus, but I've been known to leave the house with a stain or two--my mom, not so much.

While she was bemoaning the fact that she would have to return her pants and wondering if she should wash them first, she told me the following:

Mom: "you know that is the second thing that had a hole. I had a hole on my chones (underwear) too the other day. So I had to take them back to SOMA. And I also took another pair that was a year old. Well actually they were two years old but I told them a year.

Generally, when I when I used to do trials, I wouldn't listen to what the defendants were saying, until I heard one little interesting nugget, and all of a sudden my ears would perk up:

Me:"Wait, what? you returned underwear that was a year old?"

Mom: "Two. Well, it was unraveling, the same as in the new one. I told the lady, I wasn't going to drive all the way here for one pair. But when the second one happened, I returned them. And it shouldn't have unraveled after just one year."

Me: " So you wore it for a year, and then it unraveled and then you kept wearing it but decided to return it?"

Mom: "I've had these underwear (gestures to what she has on) from Victoria Secret for 7 years. I love these underwear, because they hold my tummy in and they are pretty and, look, no holes. This is how long they should last. Anyway, the lady returned one and but she could only give me $1.99 for the other one, because it was old and she said I got it on clearance. How did she know that? She scanned it, I guess. So I got some new ones, and they were 12.00, but minus 1.99, so just ten dollars. And then the free ones, so I just spent ten dollars...."

Me: "you returned clearance underwear that you had for two years"

Mom: "So???? They were unraveling. I could have fixed it, but why--I shouldn't have to do that."

Should be an interesting week.

My idiot dog, paco

So my parents and sister and her husband went on a cruise 2 weeks ago. My mom called me every few days, which was probably expensive. She wasn't calling to check on me; however, she just missed Annabelle. When they got back they came over for the wisdom teeth removal and they brought Annabelle all of the cruise presents that they got her.

One of these presents was a stuffed dog. A build-a-bear style animal, except it wasn't pink and wearing a cheerleading costume. It is a hound dog. It wears blue jams and a surfer style shirt. It has black sunglasses. It barks and if you press its heart it says "Hello Annabelle my name is Paco, I like to bark and eat kibble. Your grandma loves you very very mu..." It is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. Annabelle loves it. It is the only stuffed animal that she is attached to. She calls for it: "Pa-co, Pa-co," and wants it in her crib.

The name Paco comes from my mom's favorite dog from my childhood. Paco was a cocker spaniel whose main interests lied on other people's shins. He also like to chase a toy apple around our porch and would do so for hours. He had absolutely no redeeming qualites except for his bad sense of direction. One day he got out of the yard (my dad has never been cleared of creating the loose fence board, which remains a source of marital discord) and never came back. Anyway, my mom claims to have never gotten over the loss.

She taught Annabelle to say Paco. Initailly she was saying Pa-o. But the Spanish teacher in my mother couldn't have that. "No, Annabelle, it's Pa-co"

Today when we were leaving the house I told her to say good bye to the dog (the real one). She waved her hand and said "Bye-Bye Pa-co." She called Bella Pa-co a few times today. I guess that's Bella's name now since that's what Annabelle thinks it is. Of course, if we played by that logic, Annabelle's name would be Hertzog, since that's what she thinks her name is.

baptist song camp

So, today I went to a mommy and me singing activity that my friend told me about. She said it cost $10.00 and that it was at a baptist church. It sounded like fun, so I decided to give it a whirl. I glanced at the registration form and saw it was at some place called second baptist church. (catholic rant: what's the deal? What is the difference between the second baptists and the first baptists? and where do the southern baptists fit in? Do you see what happens when you don't have a pope, people!!!!!) Since it was the second baptist, I figured they weren't as good as the firsts and that it would be a small little church since it only cost 10.00 bucks. Wrong-o-dong-o. Turns out that Second means Second to none. The church was in Tanglewood, which is where President H.W. Bush lives. The church was humongous, and if it wasn't for the steeple and the Italian style dome, I would have thought it was a small university. My mom explained to me later, which I kind of knew, that baptists tithe and that's why it was 10.00, because they have tons of money. ""They aren't like catholics, "oh this month I don't have any money, oh well, " they give no matter what.""

So I get there and there are all of these tanglewood mommies in their $200.00 designer jeans and perfectly dyed and coiffed hair. Thankfully there was a small contingent of garden oaks moms to ghetto the place up in our Targey and Jacque Penngnet's outfits. The designer mommies give their kids designer names like Saylor and Michalyn. One little girl was wearing a tu-tu and some fancy top with her hair in a Pebbles-style pony tail. She walked right over to Annabelle and hit her in the face. I told Annabelle to let that one ride (what can you expect from a girl who wears a tu-tu on a Monday?) and she gave Tu-tu a real dirty look, kind of like "don't mess with me Barbie-face, I bite."

Since it was Baptist song camp, we started with a prayer. Our teacher was one of those really happy people who smiles all of the time, even when she is talking, which makes her voice sound weird. Then we sang lots of songs. They all required movement. That's the problem with all mommy and me classes, you can't just sit there and look at magazines, even when you have your period and are wearing a maxi-dress. And in Baptist song camp, you have to get up and march for the Lord and shake your hands and feet for the Lord and move your knees for the Lord and lots of other things that we don't do in Catholic Church, not even in vacation bible school. It was kind of a work out, actually and I didn't know a single one of the God songs. Of course, Annabelle loved it. She loved standing next to the teacher. And she really liked it when we broke out with the secular old Mcdonald and Wheels on the Bus. She was actually kind of mad that we didn't sing "bus, bus," (as she calls it) 10 times in a row, like we do at home sometimes. Most of all she loved her name tag, which she put on and off a million times before she finally put it on her leg and pretended it was a band-aid by pointing to it and saying "boo-boo." The class ended with bubbles being blown everywhere and all the kids running wild.

Sometimes I feel like I am a cultural anthropologist.

During supper, I told Hyhpen about it. He asked if I had the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.

Hyphen used to be the hmfwic at Episcopalean song camp.

evening prayers

So, Hyphen got his wisdom teeth out today. My parents came to help out. Well, let's be real, they came to see Annabelle. Hyphen, thus far has taken it like a man, with little complaint. We'll see how long this lasts. Annabelle can tell that something is off and seems upset. So to keep things normal, we did our normal bed time routine: bath time, books and prayers and then Where the Wild Things Are. Granny helped out with the bath and then came in the nursery for the books and prayer. She got on the little daybed with us while I said our prayer and in the middle of it started to sniff around.

My prayer:

Me: God, thank you for this beautiful day. Thank you for getting granny and ba-pa here safely. Thank you for making daddy's teeth better. Thank you for om-noi and ba-noi and Aunt T and Uncle B and Aunt T and Uncle M and little A and little M. God bless Auntie and Uncle D and the little babies in Auntie's tummy, help them get big and strong. Thank you for the food we eat, we know not everyone gets to eat like we do and we thank you for providing....

Mom: (sniff sniff)something smells like shit

Me: thank you for colorful language Lord. And thank you for the grannies that use it. And thank you for balloons. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen

What I do during Mother's day out

Tuesday is mother's day out. I considered laying in bed for a couple of hours, because for some reason I am tired today. But I decided to go in a different direction. I decided to become the queen of all housewives. I washed, I folded (everything, even the napkins) I vacuumed, I dusted, I cleaned both bathrooms. I cleaned our house so clean that it passed the Hyphen muster.

I picked up Annabelle and we had a snack and then we went to the park. While there, I made her laugh so hard that I am fairly certain she peed her pants(this remains unconfirmed due to her ultra-absorbent diaper).

But I didn't stop there. I prepped ingredients, I cleaned as I went and I made a healthy halibut pot roast that Hyphen thought was delicious. We ate on place mats with cloth napkins and the nice dishes and utensils.

And I made a wreath. That's right Martha, you're not the only bitch with a glue gun.

I am the queen of all housewives. You may kiss my hand.

Our visit to the big D

On Thursday I water-skied, bowled, golfed and boxed. Not in real life, of course, on the Wii at Annabelle's cousins' house. For those of you who call a blackberry a blueberry, (you know who you are mom) a Wii is a video game, which, through the miracle of modern technology and a really sensitive joystick, allows you to virtually play sports, kind of like in a star-trek movie I saw, where they put on the glasses and they are in another place, a world where I kick Hyphen's ass at boxing.

Annabelle and her cousins really enjoyed each other. I remember when my cousins used to come and visit. It was better than Christmas. Overheard during the visit:

Big Cousin: "Annabelle, don't touch my molecules." Big cousin is pretty brilliant. The molecules were a high school chemistry set. Remember any of this? Hydrogen bonds? Bromine, carbon, oxygen? The noble gases? 1s1,2p2, Avogadro's number? Ring a bell? Well, he plays with this and he is not yet 5. To Annabelle they looked like beautiful beads that she could lose and hide in places. Totally irresistible to her.

Little cousin: "Mama, Annabelle's being mean to me." That was absolutely true about 60 percent of the time.

Me to Hyphen during our boxing match: "take that! take that! take that!"

Uncle to Hyphen during same match: "you are boxing, not playing patty-cakes"

Did I mention that I pummeled Hyphen at boxing? Beat down. Spanking. It was pretty sad actually.

at least she is good for something....

So, as some of you may know, my idiot dog has been barking every morning at 5 for about 6 months now. And as an added bonus, she added 3, and occasionally for the trifecta she'll throw in 1 too. This has put me in a terrible mood in the morning. Someone put it like this "it's like you have a newborn baby again." Not cool. Every morning for the past 6 months I wake up and beg Hyphen to give her away.

So I got a suggestion to buy her a bark collar. The person pointed out that it was a better solution than giving her away. Well, that's debatable, but okay. We got one. I put it on her neck. I told my mom about it and got my ass reamed for being inhumane. This from the woman who suggested dropping her off on I-10. As I washed dishes, she sat in the kitchen staring at me, with those caramel eyes. Needless to say, I pussed out. Took it off. My reward for human kindness? Like old faithful, at 5a.m. she was barking. But now I had no room to complain. I got up and let her out.

Then I found out about the dog park on TC Jester. We took her to it on Monday night. Met another wonderful lady who also owned a yellow lab. Of course, Bella was more interested in sitting by my feet. Correction: she was interested in my feet because they were near Annabelle. When Hyphen took Annabelle to the adjacent park for small dogs, Bella followed her and nearly had a heart attack when she went inside. She also ran around in a pack for a little bit. Which was inspiring to Annabelle, who wanted to get out of our laps and explore. Now, this was a problem because those dogs don't exactly look out for toddlers when exhibiting pack behavior. We tried to hold her and distract her with the water fountain, but she wanted to go crazy, and got loose.

Not to worry. Her trusty companion, her nursemaid, was on it. Like stink on sh*! as my dad would say. Always between Annabelle and any other dogs, keeping her safely corralled by the park benches. Earning her rent, which is good because she is on a month to month lease right now.

We got home, she plopped down on the living room carpet and slept until 7.a.m.

my beautiful sister

My beautiful sister is the type of person that will pick a zit on someone's butt. She has done this at least twice that I know of (only one time was me and very close to my lower back). That just says it all. If you are willing to pick a zit on someone's butt, you are a kind person, and will help someone in need. You are a funny person because you have to be able to laugh at that situation. You are also a good friend and sister to do such a thing.

My beautiful sister has three hearts. What a lovely thing to have, even if it is for such a limited time. Everyone is telling her "it's gonna be a lot of work." Everyone is Hyphen in particular. But what I want her to know is that it is going to be even more joy.

Quicken has always been one of my favorite words. That and ephemeral. The definition of quicken is when the fetus begins to show signs of life. Funny that we call a baby a fetus in the definition of such a lovely word. Usually, quicken it is used to describe the first movement a mother feels in her womb. A quicken is by definition, ephemeral. Hell, life is ephemeral. Today my beautiful sister saw her little cha-cha dancers dance across her belly. First one and then the other. One of the most beautiful things in life happened to my beautiful sister today.

This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad!