audrey-not-at-home

from time to time, Audrey has to travel for her job. She reads magazines on the plane, stays in nice hotels, eats out, meets people who wear turqoise cuffs, and goes to bed without having to put anyone to bed. She is sad becasue she misses the girls. Yeah, I'd be sad too. For about 10 seconds. Tonight she called me. Recap:

Aud: OOOhhh, these sheets feel like silk. And I am wearing my cahsmere pajamas. I am wrapped in a cocoon of silk and cashmere.

Me: are you having fun??? how is the hotel?

Aud: it is old and there is no wi-fi, what kind of hotel doesn't have free wi-fi? And I miss the girls.

Me: How was dinner with K______? (audrey's old friend who lives in dallas)

Aud: It was fun, I ate way too much.... I had quail wrapped in bacon with sweet potato grits and collared greens. And we had cranberry toasts with blue cheese and fried green tomatoes as an appetizer. And bread pudding for dessert. And then we went to a chocolatier and tried some different chocolates.

Me: bitch! I went to see the three year old soccer version of the bad news bears practice where they were all wandering around playing and having tantrums and had a double dave's pizza and now I am swiffing the guestroom for mom's visit. I hate you right now. How clean does this room need to be so she won't bitch about the house?

Aud: I don't know, you are stressing me out. I don't want to be stressed out when I am in my cocoon of silk and cashmere.

I know what she means. Later tonight, after I finish the guestroom and sterilize the bottles and take out the trash, I will crawl into the bed that has the faint odor of baby spit up and hear the sounds of a paunchy asian snoring, I will be blissed out to the max too.

don't read this if you are especially sensitve to the plight of native americans

Phone conversation I had recently with my sister


Me: hey dude, what are you doing?


A: living the dream in palm springs, no kids, no husband, fancy hotel.


Me: oh, yeah, at a conference right? how is the hotel?


A: awesome. It is way better than the last one, except there was no airport shuttle, so I had to split a cab with some ladies who are also attending the conference, and then we all ate dinner together.


Me: oh, that was nice, where were they from?


A: south dakota


Me: what is you conference for?


A: native american health care


Me: What? why?


A: well in the new health care package there is a lot of money set aside to redo some of the Indian clinics...


Me: what???? there are like 10 Indians left, why do they get my money?



A (exasperated): I don't know, ask Obama, maybe to address the horrible diabetes and other health care problems they have been suffering since they adopted the white man's diet.


Me: He doesn't return my calls. maybe they need to eat more tuhtanka. Hey, while you are there, can you get me one of those turquoise cuff bracelets, like a real big one, like 4 inches- I'll pay you back


A(more exasperated) : it is not that kind of conference


Me: sure it is, I am sure they will have a table where they are hawking their wares. Do you think there is going to be anyone there with long hair, like wind-in-his-hair, and if there is, can you text me a picture of it? but only if it is a man, and only if he looks like wind-in-his-hair.


A: (really hacked) umm, sure.



A few days later....


Me: " how was the conference?


A: good


Me: did you get me a cuff?



A; I told you, it wasn't that kind of conference



Me: you mean to tell me that you saw no cuffs?


A: actually, I saw lots of people wearing the cuffs and other kinds of turquoise


Me: and you didn't say "here is this shiny cell phone I'll trade it to you for your cuff."


A:(really pissed) "NO!!!!! They don't barter, they are regular people. I did see a man with long hair, though and he had leather braided in it.


Me: and you didn't send me a picture??? Wait-- were those ladies you ate dinner with Indians--did they have cuffs on???



A (resigned sigh) Yes. they were. And yes they did.


Me: You couldn't simply ask them " hey that is a beautiful cuff, where did you get that? and then they could say "on the res, I know this guy, here is his business card...."


A: (yelling)I AM NOT GOING TO ASK SOMEONE THAT AT A PROFESSIONAL CONFERENCE!!!!! I am not like you. And I am not going to ask someone something just to hear them say on the res!!!!!!


Me: (resigned sigh) I am not sure what kind of sister knows that her sister wants an Indian cuff bracelet and then goes somewhere there are tons of people, including her new friends wearing them and then doesn't bother to ask anyone where they got them or trade her cell phone for one of them!!!!!!!!!!

A: the kind that is not going to do that.

Me: bye

A: bye

what it's like to be an Aunt

It is kind of like being a grandma, except I am not as disapproving and therefore, hopefully not as annoying. I got to swaddle, cuddle and help out and then I got to go home. I didn't have to stay up all night, wait for my milk come in, wonder why this thing was pooping so much, and if it was growing and worrying if it was ever going to develop, since all it ever did was sleep. Audrey is stuck doing all of that. And she is doing a great job. That is what you need to hear those first few days: you are doing a great job, you are a wonderful and beautiful mother and your babies love you. Since my mom is staying with her she is probably hearing something like "ay gato, no, you need to get rid of these cats. !Vete, cabron!"

The first few days my mom stayed with me, she almost dropped the car seat Annabelle was in when we went to Target. I say almost, because she recovered by falling herself, rather than drop the baby. Then she cried about it all the way home. I wasn't even upset, those dang car seats are so cumbersome. She also constantly nagged me about the fact that I didn't want anyone to rock Annabelle to sleep. And she stood in front of Annabelle's crib and held the pacifier in her mouth so she could suck it and not drop it and start crying. She showed me how to bathe a baby and brought me canteloupe and cranberry juice when I was nursing and made us carne guisada sin cominos because her mother told her that cominos make your baby collicky. One day a huge bouquet came to the house. We had been getting so many, that they had almost become passe. But this one wasn't for me, it was for her, from Hyphen.

I have never loved her so much. When she left, I cried, but then Hyphen wisely suggested we go to Target. That cheered me right up. Always does.

When you bring your boss over to dinner, you don't talk about hermaphrodites and undescended testes

My sister is in town. She is attending some architecture conference. So is her boss. I picked her up from the conference and brought her home to a clean house and a semi-prepared dinner of butternut squash lasagna rolls and arugula salad with figs(can you tell today is mother's day out?). While we were waiting for Hyphen to come home, her boss texted her and asked if she had any plans for dinner. I told her to invite him to come over. So he agreed and he said he would be at our house in 30 minutes.

Now, I have never in my life seen my sister, or any pregnant woman, for that matter, move around so fast, scurrying around to tidy up my house. You would think her boss was coming to her house. She got positively mom and hyphen-like in her preparation for his arrival. Meanwhile, I laughed my ass off and made some brownies. I was looking forward to it, because I have met her boss (coincidentally he and Hyphen worked together on a project for hyphen's work) and he is totally hot and has curly hair and likes soccer.

Audrey is one of those weird people who have a work persona. Her work persona is very serious. She is very much like Hyphen in this way (why God am I surrounded by anal -retentive type freaks?) and she gave us a short lecture about not embarrassing her. What, us? Embarrass?

So he gets here, we start to chat and I open with something like this: "so you architects are real serious about this CLE stuff, not like attorneys who just check in and then go get drunk at the hotel bar."

We ate dinner, and then dessert, and talked and eventually Hyphen drove him home.

Then the list of grievances began:

Audrey: "This is a professional person that I have to work with and talk to every day. Talking about penises and hermaphrodites. I have never been so embarrassed in my enitre life."

Me: "it's midnight. He stayed until midnight, obviously he was having fun. And he was the one talking about hermaphrodites."

Audrey: "the English language rip-off school for third world countries? "Ha-vad"? Why did H____ have to bring that up? He just stayed because he was shocked. And now I know he likes weirdo music and goes to clubs. Argghhh. And why did you have to tell him you have a crush on pirates? And I am not a grumpy pregnant person."

In summary:
1. Audrey's boss is a hottie
2. He stayed at our house until midnight
3. Audrey is the grumpiest pregnant person of all time.
4. shiver me timbers