I am a yogi?

So I decided that I didn't need to weigh 200lbs, and I went to yoga. Now, let me say this, I believe that I have been unconsciously meditating since I was a child. I just space out and I don't hear or see anything around me and I am not thinking about anything. I never thought about it as meditating, I never thought about it period. It was just something I did. But then I read somewhere that people can slip into a meditative state unintentionally and that those people are born meditators or something like that and the symptoms of it sound like what I do. However, I also have a mind that is cluttered with everything from the best ideas of all time to grocery lists and and if you tell me not to think of anything, then I am definitely going to think about everything. This is why yoga may not be for me. I like the stretching and strengthening and I find the whole process super relaxing, but when the lady says "imagine yourself melting into the floor" I need her to stop there. Because when she goes on "your toes, your feet, your ankles, your shins, etc..." My mind starts get cranking-- "I don't want to melt in the floor. Like melt? Like wicked witch of the west melt, or does she just mean relax and let the weight go away because these are two different types of imagining and I need to know which one to focus on and if we throw melted butter in there that is three types of images, oh that reminds me I need to get butter at krogers when I am done with this."

Maybe there is a silent yoga class where we just do the poses and no one talks and then it is over.

Namaste bitches!

ding ding ding, light bulb moment

So Hyphen had to do a catering this past Saturday. He was gone most of the day to prep for it, came home briefly for lunch and left to go to the event. Normally he would not do a catering because they are a hassle, but since the economy is in the crapper, they have decided to cater again. He came home at about 10:00 with some chips, rotel and a bottle of wine and asked very sweetly, "can you make me some queso?" Now, I was busy. I was busy playing spider-solitaire, a habit which I had broken, but got re-hooked on when my mom came over. So what I was thinking when he asked me to basically put something in the microwave was "uh, what the hell is wrong with you? make your own damn queso." That was my first reaction. However, if there is one thing I have finally learned in life is that my first reaction, while a legitimate emotion and completely valid (to me anyways) is not always the most tactful reaction, let alone nice, and sometimes should not be shared with others. I realized that he had been working while I was at home with our baby, so, I mustered up my inner June Cleaver and said "sure honey, how was the catering?" And I said it very sweetly. Unfortunately one of the many drawbacks of having been married for almost 12 years is that Hyphen can read my looks. And he busted me, saying "that's not what you were going to say." Ugh. After I made the queso he told me the cheese broke because I cooked it too long. I gave him another look for that one too and I am sure he knew what it meant.

things that annoy me -part I

I have had a few dogs in my lifetime, and some of them, actually most of them were genius-level, with true human intelligence and had loving, empathetic souls. Friendship was pratically a sister/nursemaid to Audrey and me growing up. Then Princess, my dad's dog, then Sweetie, Hyphen's and my first dog together, followed by Snowball, the best little dog of all time. And then came Bella. If there are genius dogs, then there must be retards too. Idiot curs with no ability to follow basic commands, let alone to refrain from knocking everyone she meets to the grounds. Marley ain't got nothing on this one.

My annoynace started a few hours into our relationship when she crapped in her kennel mere moments after Hyphen let her out to do her business. If you know anything about dogs, then you know it takes a special inbred moron to poop in their kennel. Dogs just won't do it. My list of grievances is long and varied, and I thought things would be better with me at home spending more time with her, but it has just given me the ability to really see just how "limited" she is. (note: whenever I refer to anyone as limited it's my nice way as saying dumb as a post)

So, instead of regaling you with everything she does wrong, I will give you a summary of the things she does well. Here it goes:

1. Good at digging holes
2. Good at catching and killing critters such as possums, squirrels and birds.
3. Good at hiding the critters in the holes she has dug when she sees me coming with the shovel to steal away her hard earned treasure.
4. Good at licking the baby in the face.
5. Good at busting out of the yard,running down the street, and finding Annabelle and I when we go to the park.
6. Good at not coming inside when called.
7. Good at barking in the middle of the night.
8. Good at running around the yard in the middle of the night while I am chasing her in my underwear trying to get her to come in.

My mom says I could solve my dog problems by dropping her off on I-10. My neighbor said that 610 was closer to the house.

But the thing is, she is the first thing Annabelle smiled or laughed at and she is really a very sweet dog, just extremely..... limited. Sigh.

technical difficulties and observations

Due to technical difficulties, I have been unable to blog. Also my mom has been in town. Shortly after Annabelle was born my mom had a major back surgery and the doctor told her it would take 6 months before she was up and running. Then in August she was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer that was her-2 positive, which in case you were wondering, sucks. So she feels that she missed out on lots of quality Annabelle time with the back and the chemo and all of that. So she has been here since last Saturday. The following comprises a list of my observations:

1. My mom really likes to watch Wheel of Fortune. She's been doing so for years and knows all of the rules, (not complicated, I know, but I don't watch the show) but she is really,really bad at actually solving the puzzles.

2. My mom likes to watch commercials almost more than t.v. She also likes to tell you about other commercials that she has seen. Somehow this loses something in the translation.

3. My mom also likes to watch the Spurs and eat popcorn. She goes through great trouble to make popcorn a certain way, carefully stirring in the butter that she melted in the same where pan she cooked the popcorn with a wooden spoon. She eats it with pickles on the side. She then told me that she was so happy to watch the game apart from my dad because "daddy gets mad and cusses out the players when they lose." After she gets very comfortable and snuggly on the couch with her blanket (see #8) she proceeds to say something like this "hijole you are stupid......." when the players throw the ball out of bounds.

4. Of course, we do do other things than watch t.v. We went to story time and sang the wheels on the bus, which as I told you Annabelle loves. She loves it so much that Granny will sing the song in the car to her when she is fussy, and it calms her down. Of course granny sings her own verses and they go like this:
"the grandpa in the bus says oh my back, oh my back oh my back" and

" the granny in the bus says faster, faster, faster, I've got to pee, I've got to pee, got to pee"

5. My mom thinks that lots of things will give annabelle diarrhea. Drinking soapy water will give her diarrhea and it should be avoided. Also, eating dirt will give her diarrhea and it should be avoided. These things seem opposite to me and frankly I don't see how it is possible that they can both give you diarrhea especially since she does these things all of when she is outside getting dirty or inside getting clean from being outside and she has never had diarrhea before. But I am wrong. They just can.

6. She is now addicted to spider solitaire, but doesn't want me to tell my dad, because she wants to surprise him with her new found knowledge/habit so they can fight over the computer to get their fix.

7. Annbelle should never be uncomfortable in any way whatsoever. Apparently I frequently make her uncomfortable. For instance, I should travel with a little pillow brace in my car so that when she falls asleep and her head slopes over, I can prop it up with said brace so she won't have a crick in her neck. I counter with that if she was truly uncomfortable, she wouldn't have fallen asleep, stayed asleep and would certainly not be snoring. At work, my arguments generally prevailed, but in the realm of Annabelle they are met with general disdain and are frequently overruled by Judge Granny.

8. Me: "hey mom, let's share this throw blanket."

Mom: "no, what's with you and this sharing? I'm not annabelle, go get your own."

She's leaving tomorrow and I might cry.

my day

1. nutritious, homemade breakfast? check
2. gym? check
3. fabric store for superhero birthday party costume? check
4. kroger? check
5. nutritious homemade lunch? check
6. clean house while child napped? check
7. snuggle cuddle time with said child? check
8. park? check

but don't call me Mrs. Cleaver yet, here are my check minuses, well, really just minuses:

1. shower after trip to gym? minus, therefore no pearls, no coiffed hair or cute dress. I wore my gym clothes the rest of the day. gross.

and there should be a 7.5, crazy, horrible, terrible, atomic shit-attack tantrum when I reached into her snack cup and took a goldfish cracker. geez, it was just a cracker, it's not like we don't have a mega-jumbo sams box of them in the pantry. That was a huge minus. sigh.....

america's financial meltdown

okay, obviously I am not saying this is the cause of the meltdown, but it is definitely a symptom. Annabelle got 6, repeat 6, Easter baskets from people in her life who love her. Yes, I was one of them, but I am her mother. Of course, it is wonderful that there are 5 people other than her father and I who love her and think of her, and want to give her a little Easter sessy, and I am very grateful to have these kind and loving people in her life, but man, kids get so much stuff nowadays because it is so cheap. However it is all made in China. And the worst part of all is that I now have to find a place for all of it.

The first picture is of Annabelle and Pumpkin. Don't you think she needs a cat more than all of these bunnies she got??

friend count = 9

Since I have been home I have made 9 new friends. Not BFF, but people whose company I legitimately enjoy and would want to hang out with later and whose names I remember. That's my criteria for counting someone as a friend rather than an acquaintance: good company, hang out with later, and names. Most of them I met while in the park , one in the cry-room at church (she connected me with the park contingent) one at story time and 4 while one a walk. The ladies I met on my walk are hilarious and hang out in their front yards every night drinking wine and watching their kids and dogs play while gossiping and talking about "The Biggest Loser." I was wearing a "Kiss My Grits" t-shirt and one of them called out to me "Where'd ya get that shirt? and proceeded to tell me about a friend who dressed up like Flo for Halloween.

A lot of times when I meet people, I instantly don't like them, and that's why I know when I like someone, that I really like them. However, I have to confess that I consider my initial dislike for people to be a major character flaw. So I am surprised and thrilled that I like all of these people. I am embracing them with a Birkelbach -like optimism. Me, the one who once said I had enough people in my life and didn't need any more.

So we will see if this continues. If I can continue to be friendly and open or will I retreat into my house and never leave?

However I will say, that I really don't like the fat lady at the park who gives her one year old cheeto-puffs as a snack. I can totally do without her.

mom and the internet

Details, as in, paying attention to, and my mom have never really mixed. She goes to the grocery store to buy shampoo and comes back with conditioner, and she won't know that she has conditioner until she washes her hair with it. She and my dad once booked a trip to New York for my cousin's wedding with non-refundable tickets only to find out she had the weekend confused. She is also the same woman who went to her best friend's father's funeral and was there for 30 minutes talking to family and consoling the bereaved before she ran into her friend in the bathroom and realized she was in the wrong part of the funeral parlor.

So I told her about my blog. And I told her the address. Stella-at-home.blogspot.com She wrote it down. Except she wrote down blog-spot.com. And after she checked what she thought was my blog she called me and had this to say (imagine my mom as having a slight Mexican accent that she gets when she is riled up about something):

Mom: "Is this a joke? I mean this joke right?"

Me: "No, why?"

Mom: "Do you think I need to masturbate myself, I mean this is a joke right? Because I went to the site and it was about how I should masturbate and music to masturbate by. And there were all these erect penises, I mean are you joking me? It says "tickle your ears while you tickle your....""

This is all I heard. I was laughing so hard I could not hear anything more and tears were coming out of my eyes, so I couldn't see anything and I was one kegel away from peeing on the sofa.

On the Annabelle front, today is brought to by the word wado. As in waaaaddooo, waaaaadoooo, waaaadoooo. To quote my friend Corey about his daughter's bobby period, "we may never know who bobby is, and that's okay because he made her happy."

Monday story- time

Mondays at work usually mean a jury trial. Which means you get to work early, print out some signs for the prospective jurors to look at and do some last minute stuff before you rush to court. Then you get to court and that is when you figure out what case you are going to try, because invariably the case you spent the previous week preparing for has settled or the defense attorney has the flu, or your officer can't be there or some other such nonsense. So then you scramble to get witnesses lined up, call off the other witnesses for the cancelled case, do some other pleas on other cases that were set, and then finally you pick your jury. Then you figure out in your allotted 30 minutes which people out of sixty hate you because they don't like your suit, your accent, your point of view. Then a quick break for lunch and then trial starts. Mondays at work can be exhausting.

This is Monday, and today I took Annabelle to the library for story-time. Now let me preface this--- I have never done this before because fun little activities like this are always during the day-- scheduling that proves that there is a vast and definitely right wing conspiracy against working moms. So I had no idea what to expect. I got there and met a nice mom and her daughter-- Annabelle promptly started eating her food. Then the other moms started filing in. I checked them out, they all looked pretty normal, mostly my age-ish, educated types. We all sat in chairs in a circle and the story-time lady, Sidney, told us it was time to start. I was wondering why no one was sitting down in the center for the story-- I soon found out. Sidney said "it's wheels on the bus time" and then all the normal, my age-ish, educated looking women started to sing "The wheels on the bus"-- oh yeah-- did I mention there were hand movements too? My first instinct was die a death of hysterical laughing at the sight of all these grown women singing this ridiculous song. Then I saw that Annabelle was into it. She was dancing and mimicking the movements and I also realized that I knew most of the words. So how did I learn these words? I am definitely not the type of mom who listens to kid music, because frankly it's all garbage and I don't think you foster music appreciation by having kids listen to bad music. So it must have been something I learned as a child, because for some reason, as a society we have decided that kids need to experience swish, swish, swish, etc., and as I realized this I decided not to be so judgy-- when in f***ing rome, sing wheels on the bus dammit.

All in all, it was actually pretty fun.

On the Hypen front, here is a snippet of the conversation I just had:

H: "You know what I think I should be? A professional golfer, what are your thoughts on that?"

Me: "Do you know how to play golf?"

H: "No, but I could learn."

day 3

Oh my heavens, I am so tired. Okay, so I am wondering June and the Beave, they only showed it when he was like 8, not when he was 13 months old. I seriously doubt if June would have looked so nice if she was chasing around the Beave when he opened her cabinents and pulled everything out (just finished putting it all back in). Which got me to thinking, what on earth did people do in the 1800s with 13 month olds? What did the kids play with when pa was in the fields and ma was blackening the ben franklin stove? Sure, there were probably 8 other brothers and sisters, and it was probably the job of the 2 year old to keep track of the 13 month old, but what did Ma do with the very first one when she was boiling the laundry? I see why the day of rest was strictly enforced, you really needed it! Well to some research maybe I will check out a Little House book when I go to the library on Monday for story time -- yes that's right-- I made a friend who told me all the neighborhood activities, so I am v. excited. And then today at the park I made another friend, who is totally cool. She has a son who is even busier than Annabelle, if you can believe it.

Day 2

A word about my husband. He is the type of person who wonders if there is a hyphen in anal retentive. He once got after me because I put a lid of a pot on the counter and it left some steam on the counter. He also thinks that he can feel a fine layer of dust on his body after he has been outside. Over the years, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure him out, only to realize that I can't and it really doesn't matter. That's what sells fords, as my dad would say. anyway, one of the selling points for my staying at home was that the house would be cleaner (of course, I think our house is already clean). I realized today that this might be harder than it looks. Annabelle goes from room to room and leaves of path of destruction in her wake. I am also concerned about gaining 100 pounds. There are snacks at home. Things that I didn't keep at work on a regular basis, like ruffles. I also have to keep an eye on food costs, because I have already been to the grocery store 2 times. Incidently, if you need lettuce, this is a good week to go to kroger, it's .77 cents a head.

I made chicken tacos for dinner and they got a good review from Hyphen, of course, he is an awesome cook, working for a resturaunt he ought to be, but I wonder how long before he gets tired of my cooking.

here is a picture of annabelle kissing the phone, her ba-noi was on the other line, and she instanly kissed the phone. This is a new skill, and she is pretty good at it.

Day 1

Day one, thus far has been successful. Well, mostly. I did give the baby some spoiled milk, but I had just bought it yesterday, so totally not my fault. Incidently, spoiled milk tastes real bad, avoid it at all costs. I also made eggs (with said spoiled milk) and while I was cooking them, I kepy smelling this nasty fish smell. I thought it was the stove, and that maybe Hieu hadn't cleaned it properly, but then I thought, "wait, it's Hieu, how's that possible," so I smelled the baby's diaper and myself to rule out and problems that could be cured by Pampers or Summer's Eve. Anywho- turns out egss made with spoiled milk are also gross and smell like, well, something "not so fresh." I discovered all of these issues at the breakfast table when I poured myself a glass. Then we went outside and Annabelle ate some dirt and put a pebble in her mouth. Now she is napping and I am beat, but I have to clean up the path of destruction she has created in the house. This stay at home mom bit might be harder than it looks.

Some people ask themselves, "What would Johnny Holmes do?" I ask myself "what would June Cleaver do?"

If I had been at work today I would have had a docket and would be exhausted right now. And I would have missed her grabbing a kleenex and putting it to her nose, blowing it and looking at me with this impish grin to see if i saw her.