our various issues

I came home today from ballet lessons (for Annabelle , not for me) and I immediately noticed the door was locked. I didn't lock it when I left because I couldn't (this is the time of year when it is hard to lock our door, due to the fact that our house is old as the hills). I got scared, but then I thought, "well maybe I locked it" I mean, I try to lock it, and maybe the bolt went across and I didn't realize it. I immediately grab the phone prepared to call 911 in case the invader shows his face. Then I go pee. And there is toilet paper on the holder, and I know I didn't leave it like that. So now I am panicking, but looking for other signs that someone has been there and frantically calling Hyphen. It is close to 5 and I can't think of why he would come home and then leave again. I finally get in touch with me and turns out, he came home while we were in ballet used the bathroom (naturally Hyphen can only really poop comfortably when he has the home court advantage, not me, I can go any where) and then drove to a nearby Japanese food supplier to check things out for a dish they are making for the new restaurant. I was a little weepy and panicky when I talked to him, due to my delicate condition.

Later, as we are watching top chef and he is having his customary second supper of chips, I asked for some. And because I am pregnant, and lazy, and didn't want to get up to get a bowl, I just put them on the side table. He watched me as I did this and gave me the look. The look of total disgust, which I deserved because that was pretty gross. Then he launched into this diatribe:

H: "You are so messy." (then in a falsetto) "Oh my gosh I was so scared, a burglar came into the house today and locked the door and put toilet paper in the bathroom. I have a stalker who is a stocker. I am so scared of the burglar who tidies up my house....."

etc.

I couldn't hear much more because I was laughing and ignoring him haughtily at the same time.