waiting

At the end of your pregnancy, you become something other. You are not really female anymore. You are a gestating individual. Your body is not recognizable, not even to you. You wear the same thing every day because you can't bear to spend any money on anything that you will only wear for a couple of weeks. Your shoes don't fit the same. And so you wear crocs everywhere and even contemplate wearing them to church. You are not yourself. You haven't been yourself for months, but at the end, you are really not the same. You are no longer feminine and it happens so gradually you don't even notice it until one day you are looking at a catalog, or watching a fashion segment on the Today show and realize, "oh yeah, I used to care about that sort of thing. I used to wear belts and tuck my shirt into my pants"

For someone like me, who used to take great delight in choosing what I would wear every day this realization is especially hard. Even after I quit my job, I always tried to wear something semi-cute around the house and put on makeup and style my hair every day. I don't want to be the shlubby mom and wife who walks around in sweats and a t-shirt with holes. Even during pregnancy, I tried to be the cute pregnant mama. But now, I am down to one pair of jeans, two pairs of yoga pants and a couple of dresses that I can really only wear to church. Oh, and crocs, of course. Thank Lord, for giving us crocs.

And I am waiting. Waiting for my girl so I can be a girl again.