Today, I went to Target, as I am want to do. I went despite the pouring rain and my lack of raincoat, umbrella, galoshes, etc. and the fact that I had two babies in tow. I needed to use my four dollar coupon for the contact lense solution I like before it expired on Friday. (Coupon shopping being one of the requisite qualities of all SAHM's) So I explained to Annabelle as I parked the car that we needed to be "quick-sticks" and I grabbed her and Tallulah and headed inside.
After purchasing my contact lense solution and 150.00 worth of other stuff, (which is why I am pro heights- walmart, I would never buy cute swimsuits for Annabelle and other stuff at walmart, I would just get the hell out of there as soon as possible) we headed back out to the van-- the weather had not improved.
It was at this point I was approached by a man who offered to walk me to my car under the shelter of his over sized umbrella. I accepted, of course, and was happily trotting along with him when my brain kicked in and told me the following:
Uptight Audrey Brain: dude, are you crazy? this guy could be a serial killer who is going to rape-murder you. He will open the van door, whack you on the head, shove you inside, rape-murder you and/or sell your kids to the almost-white slave market, and the security cameras won't pick it up because of his big umbrella. God, you idiot, quit making small talk and start holding your keys in a menacing way and at least try to study his face so if he lets you live, and that is a big if, you can describe him to the cops.
Happy-go-lucky Stella Brain: okay. I will look at him and study him, but you are totally overreacting. okay, I am looking at his face. wow. look at that toupee. That is a really impressive one. The mother of all toupees. Wavy and long, it almost looks natural, but, as with all toups, the hair is just a little to thick, not thick like thick and sexy, but each individual piece of hair that comprises the toupee is too thick. I am surprised he is even wearing one, most people are just going bald these days, which is fine by me, I mean I love a guy with nice hair and all, but bald can be...
uptight audrey brain: QUIT THAT BLABBERING AND LOOK AT HIS FACE
happy go lucky: okay there is a small mole near his toupee, is that gel, does he put gel on that?
uptight audrey: ARRRGGHHHHH
By this time we reached the car, and he helped me put the car seat in, wished me a good day, and bid me adieu.
Who says chivalry is dead? There he was, my knight with shiny head armour, and me, a damsel with mental distress.
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Stella - i am glad your knight with shiny head armour was not a killer. But still, if he were to kidnap you, there should be a trail of dna evidence that you leave behind. Next time pick off some of your loose hairs, don't worry they are everywhere, and plant some on his person.
ReplyDeleteAudrey