corcovado

I went to bed last night at midnight and was really annoyed with myself for pissing away 2 hours on the computer rather than reading my Martha Stewart Homekeeping book or the Scarlett Pimpernel for the 2 person book club of which I am a member.

I woke up with a sore shoulder and then took an advil, peed and couldn't fall back asleep due to the horrible and unceasing snoring of the panzon next to me. I gave up any hope of sleeping in the bed and headed for the sofa.

I cursed the dog, who feels the need to follow me wherever I go and who feels that sleeping is a pack activity when clearly it is a solo endeavor. I tried to get comfortable and had a coughing and hacking fit and was annoyed with the cold I have had for over a month now.

And just when I was drifting off, Tallulah started to cry. And I cursed her for crying, for being sick with a cold and double ear infections and myself for being the horrible mom who curses her baby when she is tired. She was burning up and I took her downstairs and fixed a bottle, cursing H under my breathe because I could hear him snoring from the kitchen and was jealous of his ability to sleep through a nuclear holocaust. I fumbled for tylenol and got annoyed that we have such a tiny bit left and was annoyed at the interminable recall, which no one understands.

Then I went back upstairs and tried to get the pitiful child to sleep.

She had a few swigs of her bottle. And put her little head on my chest.

The room was very quiet. The street was quiet--the world was very quiet. All six billion of its people fast asleep except for me and this poor, poor, pitiful child. And then lyrics from an old song drifted into my weary head

this is where I want to be
here with you so close to me,
until the final flicker of life's embers.
I, who was lost and lonely,
believing life was only
a bitter tragic joke have found in you,
the meaning of existence, oh my love....