the state of our union

So last week I celebrated my 14 year anniversary. And here's the thing--I could write some long post extolling my husbands virtues and proclaiming how in love I am and what a wonderful husband and father he is and how lucky I am to have landed him. And that would all be true--some of the time. And all of you would think, "ahh how sweet." But secretly, you would be gagging, just a little bit, in the back of your mouth.

So, instead I have decided to write a practical post about how to stay married for 14 years.

Practical, you say? Well you see, sometimes, marriage is rainbows and butterflies on a cotton candy cloud with a chocolate milk water fountain. And sometimes, you look at your husband as he is eating chips out of the bag, on the sofa, munching and crunching so loud it is a miracle he doesn't wake the kids, and then you think, how the f____ did this happen to me??? I hate this douche bag. It is for these moments that I write this post.

1. Pretend you live in a world, in a place where divorce is not an option. If you live in this place, then you can't get divorced. If you can't get divorced, then you just need to make the best of a bad situation, for your own sanity. It is kind of like an arranged marriage, or living with a roommate. In which case, you would not say, "hey, douche, quit eating those chips like a pig." Instead you would get up and quietly go into another room.

2. Understand that you cannot control any one's behaviour, except for you own. In reality, there is nothing wrong with eating chips out of a bag, on the sofa. People do it and it is okay (for them not for me). Your reaction to it, is what you need to work on. Examine why this makes you mad. Is it because he didn't put them in a bowl, like a civilized person? Is it because he is eating in the living room? is it because it is after 8 and you just finished cleaning up a nice dinner that he barely ate? Then ask yourself, is it really a big deal? The answer will almost always be "no."

3. Put yourself in his shoes. Maybe he didn't like your dinner. Maybe now that the kids are in bed he wants to kick back and relax with a bag full of junk food. Maybe he just likes to munch while watching tv. And he wants to do it without a lecture about how gross he is. You surely wouldn't want to hear how disgusting you were for doing something you found totally innocuous, so don't give him one. Do unto others, if you will.

4. Practice an attitude of gratitude. Think of all the wonderful things that your husband does. Like bathe the kids, play with the kids, cook dinner, work hard so you can stay at home with the kids, encourage you to do what you want, etc. This mental list of wonderful things, will put a lot of things in perspective and start to bring on some cotton-candy-cloud-like thoughts.

5. While thinking those warms and fuzzy thoughts, get it on. Well, maybe not right then and there, because he is having a lay with frito lay at the moment and not you. But at some point, you need to have the sex. Now, some of you are thinking, no. I am tired, no way I am going to have the sex with dorito boy, and I hear you. But as my girlfriend once put it "sex is like an astros game in the middle of the week. No one in their right mind wants to go to an astros game in the middle of the week. But when you do, you get into it. You wear the jersey, eat the nachos and buy a foam finger and have a great time and think--"hell, I should always go to an astros game. I should go to one every night!!!!"" Men are nicer after you have had sex with them. Just the truth. And you are probably nicer too. Keep the fires burning and they will smolder for at least 14 years

6. When in doubt, just take some advice from the Beatles. Let it Be. Just let it be. Don't rehash. Don't hash. Just don't get into it, unless you really really need to. And if you can consistently do that, and follow my other tips, you will learn not to argue over a bag of chips.

That is how to stay married for 14 years. I can't promise I'll get you to 15. But you will make it to 14. 50 percent guaranteed.