where the heart is

I used to work at a place where we discussed each other's bowel movements. Not just amongst the girls, but the guys too. I knew when my boss M________ S________ left with the paper, what he was going to do, he would wave and say he'd be back in 20. And I couldn't wait to get up in the morning and see my crazy friend who loathed all forms of condiments. His office mate was someone who stock piled food and gold bullion for when we all got the bird flu. There was Harvard, the know it all, who really hated it if you called him Harvard. At a seminar, he once woke up in bed with another M__________ S____________, not my boss M__________ S_______________, but someone whose poop habits I knew as well (MS2 preferred the bathroom in the 5th floor of the courthouse). "Very Peculiar", was all he said after M__________ S___________ yelled, "what are you doing in my bed????"

There was crazy F________ who thought she had anthrax after 9/11 when she opened a mysterious letter from Africa. There was the dirty old man who had a cull list of about three people. In case you are wondering what a cull list is, it is a list of people you wouldn't sleep with. At seminars, he liked to give everyone a peep show at bars when he was really hammered.

Seminars were where really crazy things happened. The first time I was drunk in my life I was at a seminar with Harvard and Bird Flu and one of my girlfriends, who made out with a stranger. I was drunk on some tequila drink that Harvard got me, went down like honey. It was a good thing, too, because if we had been at the other bar where my other girlfriend was licking shaving cream off a man's chest while she was 5 months pregnant, I would have seen the dirty old man's junk, and even in my inebriated state, I would have been horrified. He was there with the other functioning alcoholic/ brilliant legal mind, who always ordered drinks at lunch like this "hon, when you can, coffee, black, and a glass of water."

There was the hottie volunteer fireman, who collects WW2 era spotlights and got me in a heap of trouble by helping me give indian names to people--two words: Chattering Squirrel. And there was also the only other person in Conroe, besides me, who had been to Idalou.

And there were my girlfriends. My beautiful, wonderful girlfriends who still, till this day, teach me about life. And how if you eat 3 dried apricots a night you would definitely poop the next day.

And this whole glorious crew, that I could never do justice to in a mere blog post, was headed up by batman and robin. Mike McDougal, the only D.A. in the state of texas who was a former rodeo cowboy and who had been known to wear a marijuana leaf t-shirt to work. He dressed up like an elf at christmas and threw presents of argyle socks at everyone and headed up a st. patricks day parade/march around the courthouse on st. pattys day, where the defense attorneys would stand out by their offices and hand out little shots of whiskey. He wore tye dye t-shirts most days he wasn't in court and 70s era elton john suits on the days he was. And Robin? D_________ B__________ his temperamental jewish straight man, best friend and racquetball partner. The man who comforted me when I came back to work the first day after maternity leave (it's always hard on the mamas") and carried up my breast milk refrigerator to my office.

Well, hell no wonder he didn't get re-elected.

For 9 years of my life these people were my family. Every single one of them. Even M_________. Even the person who stole the dr. peppers out of my office, whoever you are. And when I think about what we had it makes me so happy and grateful that I got to work in a place with family. A real family. They were my home.

And it makes me mad as hell that such a colorless, under-handed, douche bag beat him.