Real, crudo and unedited

I am writing this with a sense of foreboding.   In an hour or so, I will go to bed.  And if tonight is like last night...we are in for it.  Last week, Tallulah learned how to climb out of her crib and come downstairs. Mostly, this was not a problem, because she did it at 5:30 (somewhat acceptable) and 6:30 (totally reasonable).  But last night she did it at 2.  From two to three she was squirming around in our bed.  Then at three, Annabelle joined the party.  Then, as is the way of sisters, they started to giggle and be silly.  I took Tallulah back upstairs and told Annabelle to cuddle up to her daddy and go to sleep.  I was upstairs for a good 45 minutes but she wouldn't fall asleep, so I brought her back downstairs, thinking that at least Annabelle would be asleep.  She wasn't of course, so I told Annabelle to go to her room and try to go to sleep.  I could tell T was sleepy and I thought if I could just get her to sleep, then I could lie down with Annabelle and get her to sleep and then it would only be 4:30, and that would be a reasonable amount of sleep for me to function on the next day.  A day where the kids are in school and mother's day out and for the first time since my injury, I did not have physical therapy or a doctors appointment and could be at home to clean and do the home stuff that hasn't been getting done.

Right as she was breathing slowly, Annabelle started to call for me.  Plaintively at first, and then more and more forcefully.   I got out of bed and Tallulah followed me.  I was angry.  I got after them both in a way that was not kind and loving.  I was thinking things and feeling emotions that mothers are not supposed to feel toward their children.  Like rage.  I was resisting the urge to slap and pinch them.  So I settled for making them both cry, and for that I am ashamed.

Maybe there are some things that you shouldn't write about on a blog.  My parents' rodent infestation, for instance.  But for as much as I am a rose colored glasses kind of person, I am an honest person. And this is who I am right now.   Real, crudo, and unedited