this is so much worse

There is a wonderful lady in my neighborhood who has three beautiful children, and one of them has brain cancer.  She has been battling it for almost 4 years now.  She's has had something like 6 surgeries and has been tumor free now for 18 months.  There have been countless prayer vigils, bake sales, garage sales, dinner drops, all the ways that neighbors come together when something like this happens. For a good two years, I didn't even realize who I was praying for--that I had been passing her by every day as I dropped the kids off at school and chatting with her at ballet, until I put two and two together and was astounded that she could even get out of bed in the morning.  And through it all, she has this amazing courage and grace--humor even--and I love her for it.  This ordeal, this horrible ordeal, has made us all hug our babies a little tighter and thank God for the amazing blessings he gives us in our children.

But this is so much worse.

Throughout this joyous season, we have crammed in as much as we can.  Driving to see the lights, visiting with family, singing carols, making cookies, going to see the Nutcracker-- but every once in a while, she catches me and says "what's wrong mama, why do you have that look on your face?"  And what can I tell her?

I was about to load the kids in the car to mail my Christmas cards when I got the call from my mother who was hysterical with grief.  I couldn't believe it, I couldn't understand, and I quickly got on the internet, because I thought it must be an exaggeration on her part.  And then I felt that sickening, panicked feeling I have had, on and off, for the past 11 years and was confused for a second, because this time, there were still planes flying overhead.

But make no mistake--we are grounded.  We are grounded in our inability as a nation to address the mentally ill, gun control, and the vast moral decay of our culture that I am convinced is perpetrated by the Evil One himself.

And the people who we have trusted to lead us out of this cannot even speak to each other without using vulgarities.

This is so much worse.