Annabelle Capulet?

So there he was again. I swear this punk is stalking me. We were in the dressing room of the Y and who walks in? Turd-kid, of course. And his mom. He had just finished his swim class and we were heading to ours. It might have been because he was naked and so was Annabelle, but we had a mini-truce and therefore a somewhat civilized conversation.

Me: "hey kid, where's your bike?"

Turd-kid: "it's at home. I am swimming. I am going to be a good swimmer, like my poppa."

Me (struggling to put a 17 month old baby in a 12 month old suit): "I am sure you will."

Turd-kid: "where's your suit?

Me: (still struggling with the suit) "it's under my clothes"

Turd-kid: "Are you going to swim with her? My mom doesn't have to swim with me. I swim by myself."

Me: (one arm in, now jamming the other one) "that's good for you."

Turd-kid's mom: (who has watched me struggle with the 12 month old suit) "You know what I did? I bought a bikini for my daughter and just used the top and put a swim diaper on the bottom." (Note: of course you did. I get seriously creeped out by babies in bikinis and this woman is also one of my nemesises/nemisi)

Finally, I got her suit on!

Turd kid: "She looks so beautiful and cute!"

Watch it there Romeo.

Back in the olden days, circa 1982

Sometimes I get to wondering just what the heck kind of mom am I? In some respects I am very old school. There is no tolerance for playing with food in our house. The cell phone is not a toy. Tantrums are endured, but not endearing. We wear pajamas at night and change into clothes in the morning and we never go anywhere in our diaper. But in other respects, I am the mom that forgets her diaper bag, never has a snack, and let's her child get dirty--really, really dirty. I was thinking about this while I was at Kroger. They were handing out cookies. The cookies were butterflies with pink sprinkles on one side and were dipped in chocolate on the other. Without thinking, I grabbed one and gave it to Annabelle. As I was shopping I started to think about how when Audrey and I were kids they didn't really give out cookies, and when they started to, it was a rare occasion when we could have one. My mom cooked almost every night and she did make snacks. Back in those days, she believed in healthy eating and our snacks would be carrots sticks that she cut (not baby carrots, they didn't have those yet, or if they did, she didn't buy them) and celery sticks. She would have them in the fridge with ice chips on top. There was no ranch dressing back in 1982. You just ate them. Plain. And you liked it, dammit. If there were ever cookies in our house, they were oatmeal and hard as a rock. But they were good for you. My mom never made cupcakes and that alone has scarred me for life. Of course, that was before she turned 50, before she turned 60, and before she got cancer. Now she believes in cheese enchiladas and that this is DQ country after all, and you should go ahead and have yourself a blizzard.
I was mulling all of this as Annabelle enjoyed her cookie--enjoying it to the point that people were laughing at her chocolate covered mouth. (I intended on taking a picture of that mouth but somehow on the drive home she figured out how to lick it all off)I was at Kroger's to get a last minute item for the supper Hyphen was cooking. It was 5:30. And my daughter was eating a sugar cookie.
I of course didn't have one. I didn't want to spoil my dinner. Old habits are hard to break.

one of the hazards of having a girl

The children's clothing industry has decided that girls should just look cute. They shouldn't play and certainly not in dirt, dog kibble or water. They should wear dresses with smocking and things with ribbons and bows. And everything should be pink. Apparently, my mother is the ceo of the children's clothing industry. The height of silliness occurred last week when I was looking for some water shoes. I was going to visit my sister-in-law in Dallas where they have a killer kiddie pool. But she needed water shoes, which I knew would be hard to find because Annabelle has freakishy small feet. First, I went to some snooty European children's shoe store in the post oak area where the lady didn't even look up when I asked if they had water shoes for babies. So then I thought, "what the heck am I doing here? I just need to go to my mother-ship." So I headed to Target. I got to the baby shoe area and passed by the boys aisle where saw some Teva-like sandals in navy blue. Perfect, just one more aisle over and I'll get them in pink (hey, I like pink, I am not immune to girlie things, read on). So I go to the next aisle and............. you've got to be kidding me. Sequins. Silver and pink sequins. Ballet shoes. Complicated looking sandals. And tiny whore shoes with tiny whore heels. But no water shoes. Not even shoes that you could eat kibble in

Where are the shoes for this girl?

superman and lex luthor at the spark park

He was there tonight. I saw him eyeing me suspiciously. I kept my cool and after a few minutes he came up to me. Hyphen and my idiot dog were with me tonight, not exactly back up, but witnesses nevertheless. This was our tense exchange.

Turd-kid: "I got a new bike."

Me: "really? well fancy that, a new bike-- how nice for you."

Turd-kid: "she can't get on it, it's too big." (seriously, this kid said this, what is with him???? Why must he torment me??? and just to make sure he was talking about Annabelle I replied....)

Me: "who?"

Turd-kid: "your baby girl." (oh snap, you did not say that!!!)

Me: "well, it's big, but if she likes it, she will find a way to get on."

Turd-kid: "why does she like my stuff?"

Me: "I really don't know."

We left it at that and he ran off to play. Hyphen was standing next to me. "That was him," I told Hyphen, "that was my nemesis. Look at him. He's staring at me. He knows it. He knows we are enemies" Hyphen gave me a weird look and walked away. That was okay. I still had Bella, my best friend, my trusty companion--she can at least intimidate him by licking the little turd or wagging her tail at him.

Oh, and Annabelle totally tried to get on his bike.

The first lie?

It began like this--

Me: "Annabelle, is that kibble in your mouth?"

Annabelle: "Nooo."

The evidence, however, was indisputable. She was by the kibble bucket, there was kibble all around the floor and kibble in her hand. As sure as God made green onions, she was eating kibble.

But was the evidence indisputable? Was it her intent to lie? With her limited verbal skills, the answer to almost any question is no, to wit this exchange--

Hieu: "Annabelle do you love your papa?"

Annabelle: "Noooo."

Hieu(panicked): "what?"

Me: "She says that for everything. Watch this-- Annabelle, do you love your ba-pa?" (grandpa, who is her favorite person in the world)

Annabelle: "nooooo."

Hieu:(relief) "oh thank god."


So maybe no sometimes does mean yes. It's not like I was going to take the kibble away from her, she eats it all the time, so there was really no reason to lie. Right? At any rate, you can tell what she hears a lot. Super great parenting on my part.

daddy's home

This was what my evening was like between the hours of 6p.m-8p.m.

Hyphen on swimming:

Me: "hey, let's go swimming tonight."

Hyphen: "I don't like to go swimming because when I do I feel like there is pressure surrounding my body."

Me: "you mean like, water pressure?"

Hyphen on the park:

Hyphen: "Annabelle, don't run on that bridge, it's dangerous. Annabelle not that slide, it's too high. Annabelle, you are covered in mosquitoes. Annabelle you are scaring me when you run on that bridge, you are going to fall. Dude, aren't you scared that she is going to fall?"

Me: "not really. Maybe we should put her behind a glass case, so she'll never get hurt, bit or dirty."

Hyphen: "I wish we could."

Hyphen on mosquitoes:

Hyphen: "dude there are mosquitoes everywhere. Aren't they bothering you? We are going to get malaria. I am from a foreign country, you people don't understand mosquitoes like I do."

Hyphen on being a Virgo:

Me: "Annabelle, maybe we should have a little Virgo baby so daddy can have someone to pal around with."

Hyphen: "No, we would just complain all the time and annoy each other."

Now, that I can agree with.

the cry room

Things that were heard all at the same time during my time in the cry room today:

Father Bernie: grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom where you live for ever and ever.

Naughty child No. 1 to her brother: "Pass it to me!!! I'm open! I'm open!" (Note: brother obliged and threw smallish basketball)

Naughty child No.2: "Bark Bark Bark!, I'm a dog!"

Annabelle's friend: "A-bow! A-bow" (this mean Annabelle, Annabelle, and is cute)

Mother of naughty child No. 3: "no Annabelle, you can't drink that sippy, it's Cecelia's"

Crying baby No.1: "wwhhhhaaaaa!!!" + spit up and fidgeting

Crying baby No.2 "wwhhhhaaaaa!!!"

Naughty child No.4: actually this kid didn't say anything he was outside the cry room banging on the windows trying to get Annabelle's attention.

Later--
Father Bernie: The mass is over, go in peace.

Mother of Naughty child number 3: Thanks be to god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!